Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
lmao
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”