wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I don’t know what to do
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
three things we don’t talk about