I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Mornin
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.