Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
decorating my apartment
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.