*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.