“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school