I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
You Might Also Like
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review