Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”