Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
guilty
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle