Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?