You Might Also Like
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
next question.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.