ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]