*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.