me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
as is their right
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.