Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Shower sex be like:
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
and now we wait
when nothing goes right… go left
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean