My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
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As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.