How do you milk an almond?
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me recordaron éste meme
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“TGIM!” – My liver
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar