My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
lmfao come on
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?