Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy