Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
This has made my week.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Welcome to the stomach
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?