‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
accurate
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…