friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
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I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”