If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.