[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
i hate you platonically
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!