Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…