I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.