I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
lol