[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Just say no
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*puts my mental health in rice
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.