Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “