Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
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[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Selfie
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*