I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
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Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Smells like a challenge to me