My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My background check bounced.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.