Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.