My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage