Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly