You Might Also Like
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby