Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
How it started: How it’s going:
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I love it all
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Beauty and the Beast
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.