“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.