A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.