Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
reduce, reuse, recycle
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.