I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.