Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
john wicks are toilet candles
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.