Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it