Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.