Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
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5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese