Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
do what now??
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.