Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[shakes fist at other fist]
rapatouille
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: