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Oh. My. God.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Employees must applaud the planets.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️