Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.