My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
#DesignFail
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
What a year we’ve had this week.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan